


Ich vermisse dich.

by arlartnonsense



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Alfred is fucked up, German title because I'm tired, I don't know why but I always write Alfred all fucked up, I just needed to take it all out, I'm Sorry, I'm so sad, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-24
Updated: 2014-08-24
Packaged: 2018-02-14 11:35:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,241
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2190195
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arlartnonsense/pseuds/arlartnonsense
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Matt was so light, just like a feather, Alfred felt he could carry him forever without getting tired, the crimson that was decorating his face made him look paler, and the blond hair that fell down so graceful though the sides of his face made him look like a defeated angel.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ich vermisse dich.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sad and miserable, I had to take it out somehow. 
> 
> I'm sorry for any mistakes, is 6am.

"I love you”

Alfred was sitting on the chicken table, hands together, and a cup of coffee in front of him. This was his worst idea so far, but hey, mornings were always terrible.

Matthew looked confused, Alfred wasn’t the one to go around telling him that. Maybe he had a good morning for once.

“I love you too, you are my brother”

Matthew took his seat in from of Alfred and stared to eat his cereal.

“No, dude, _**I love you**_ ”

Matthew looked up to see his brother looking at him almost angry? Maybe it was determination, who knows, who cares.

Suddenly Alfred leaved his spot on the table and went to hold Matt by his shoulders

“Listen, I know this is weird, but, dude, you need to hear me”

“I’m listening…” Maybe Alfred went nuts for real this time

“I love you Matthew” Alfred took a deep breath “Not like a brother, not like family” He couldn’t face Matthew, he was looking at the bowl of cereal “Actually I don’t give a shit about that y’know…” Alfred didn’t move, neither did Matt.

“…Alfred what are you saying…that doesn’t makes sense” Nervous laugh, maybe his brother had fever and was hallucinating?

“I’m saying what I’m saying Mattie! I love you”

“Okay…?” Okay? What was that? What was that lame answer, okay. What the fuck okay means in this situation. Matthew didn’t feel the same for him, oh god, that couldn’t be! For Alfred, Matt was everything, everything that he needed, maybe Matt was dating someone else- No. That couldn’t be true, Matthew was his, none else, his.

“You don’t love me” Alfred grabbed Matthew’s wrists and shake him a little “You don’t love me! Liar! Fucking liar!”

Matthew had only seen his brother like this once, when their father left the house.

“…you never loved me…” Alfred was shaking, and his grip on Matt’s wrists staring to get loose, his head was on Matt’s chest searching for some kind of comfort “You are going to leave me…”

“Alfred, Alfred” With his hands free now, Matthew petted Alfred in the head “Alfred, I’m not going anywhere”

“You are lying…”

“I’m not”

Both ended on the kitchen floor, Alfred crying nonstop and Matthew trying to calm him down “Yes…you are” Alfred felt rage, rage against their father, rage against their mother that couldn’t keep a marriage, against the fact he had to be ‘the men of the house’, against Matthew for not feeling the same, against the world for being a bitch with him.

A few seconds later Matt found himself fighting for his breath.

“A-Al”

Alfred’s arms and hands seems to be made of stone, Matt tried scratching, nothing, Alfred was blinded by his rage.

“You deserve this y’know _Mattie_?”

His grip grew stronger around his brother’s neck

“You deserve this for linking other people and no me, why you don’t like me back!?”

Matt was staring to see dots, he was going to faint soon

“Why everyone hates me!? Why our mother is a bitch!? Why dad hates us!?”

Alfred let go, and watched his brother cough and made some lame tries to sit. He was too dizzy, he couldn’t do much yet just whimper.

Kiss it all better they say.

Alfred kissed his brother’s neck, he felt the weak hands trying to push him away, but oh, Matthew will get used to it, there was nothing wrong, Alfred feelings were pure, he just wanted to apologize –or that was how things worked on Alfred’s head- “I’m sorry”

“Stop”

Matthew spoke with a croaky voice, he was scared, confused, hurt, scared, his emotions weren’t let him think, react, his hands tried to keep Alfred way but he was too weak to actually do something useful against him.

“I love you, you are mine”

Matthew looked at his brother, he looked so peaceful, so happy, but this was wrong, this was fucked up.

“I’m n-not”

 

 

 

Days, weeks, months passed since that incident and Alfred had managed to control Matthew, he taught him to lie

_“What happened to your face birdie?”_

_“I got robbed last night”_

_“Be more careful, it won’t be awesome that you got seriously hurt!”_

_“I’ll be more careful, don’t worry Gilbert”_

_“Kesesese! If you ever need someone to protect you I’m here liebe!”_

_“Thank you”_

He taught him to say no to other –but he couldn’t say no to his brother-

_“I like you”_

_“W-what!?”_

_“You hear me birdie! The awesome me likes you a lot”_

_“I-I like- I can’t Gilbert”_

_“Why?”_

_“I just- I don’t have time for a relationship”_

_“But you like me too, c’mon birdie!”_

_“I’m sorry, I can’t”_

Taught him to never trust in someone who wasn't him

_“Birdie? What’s wrong? Is not awesome seeing you cry…”_

_“Is n-nothing”_

_“You sure?”_

_“Yes, please leave me alone”_

He taught him to be his, none else, he repeated that so much that Matt believe it, he was property of his brother, the one who had helped him where none else was around, when his mother was too busy working that taking care of him, he owned this to Alfred.

“Why are you home so late?”

“I’m sorry”

Head down, shame, shame on him for coming late, shame of him for talking with that German, shame.

“Where the fuck where you Mattie! I was worried”

Wrist, that was the first thing he grabbed, Matthew knew by now, he was ready.

“I was at the university”

“Liar!”

Punch on the face, the grip on his arm won’t let him fall to the floor completely, but it caused him a strong pain on his shoulder.

“I-it’s the truth”

“I know you, I know you are lying to me dude!”

Alfred forced him to look up at him, tears were on his brother’s eyes and that somehow excited him, but the truth first.

He let Matt fall to the floor, and kicked his stomach. Hear that little scream made the flood on his veins boil, he wanted to hear more. Another kick, a louder one, this one he was asking him to stop, but no, no till he was out of breath ‘Yes, scream more, scream for me, scream, scream’ kneeling now he hold Matthew by his hair and slammed his head against the floor. He heard a crack, probably the glasses.

“You are talkin’ with that german dude again weren’t you?”

Another crack, fucking glasses, Alfred threw them away.

Matt just nodded, there was blood coming out of his nose, his head hurted. He wasn’t ready for this, not at all.

Something he thought about running away, but without Alfred he was nothing, he wasn’t good talking, he was ignored almost all the time, he had none to count with, and how could he thought of something like that? His brother loved him, he got beaten only because he was doing things wrong, he needed to learn a lot of things, but Alfred was always there to teach him.

He couldn’t live.

“How many times”

Alfred got up and went to his room for his baseball bat

“You don’t need to talk with that piece of shit”

A hit on his legs.

Alfred was fascinated with the screams, with the expressions, with the tears of his brother, and he was grateful of living in the bad part of NY, there none gave a shit about weird noises.

A hit on the ribs

“Never”

One in the face, oh there was blood

“Talk”

Ribs again

“With him”

Stomach

“Again”

Ribs

“You are mine”

His brother was hardly conscious, but he nodded. Alfred couldn’t believe he had the strength to even move ‘Ah, the power of love’ he smiled at the –now- unconscious form of his brother, maybe the bat was too much? Probably no. Alfred picked his love and went to their room. Careful, he removed the snickers and the socks and help him to crawl under the sheets. He watched him for a long time before sleep, he observed how hard he tried to breathe, how a tiny line of blood came out of his mouth and stained the white pillow, how the blood stopped, how it dried. He watched his brother dream, he looked so peaceful.

_“Hey bridie!”_

_That cheerful smile that always made his days better, Gilbert, his dear Gilbert, he always dreamed about him when he was broken, when he was feeling helpless, maybe because Gilbert seemed to be so strong, maybe because Gilbert was awesome, maybe because he loved Gilbert._

_The dream was always the same Gilbert was in an open field waiting for him with open arms, and Matthew went running to feel that warm, that kindness._

_“Du machst mich glücklich”_

_Matthew saw himself smiling, he just smiled and told him he made him happy too, that he loved him too, that…he please took him away._

_“Ich denke immer an dich.” In that part Gilbert always faded away, slowly leaving him alone in a field full of flowers who slowly died, and Matthew cried._

_“COME BACK! I NEED YOU! GILBERT, DON’T LEAVE ME ALONE, DON’T LEAVE ME WITH HIM”_

_The field ended all dark, there was nothing but darkness, Gilbert was gone, but he could hear his voice repeating “Ich werde dich vermissen” that only made Matthew felt a huge pain on his chest “COME BACK! I’M SCARED!”_

_“Ich habe dich gerne”_

_“THEN COME BACK…is so cold without you”_

_“Ich liebe dich birdie”_

He always woke up crying after that

“Mattie? What’s wrong?”

Alfred watched the figure of his brother shake, he was still asleep, maybe he should wake him up this time.

“Hey, dude…is okay I’m here”

He watched how the younger was still trying to breath, oh no.

“Matthew! This isn’t funny! Open your eyes!”

And he did, he looked at Alfred and cried. His chest hurt, but no because of the broken ribs, it was because of Gilbert, he wanted to tell Gilbert how sorry he was, he wanted to say that he liked him too, that he made him so happy, that he dreamed about him almost every night because every night he felt like shit and Gilbert always made him smile, he wanted to tell him how much he loved when he said he was the last Prussian alive, he wanted to tell him that he loved him. A lot.

There was another pain in his chest too, this felt like something was piercing him from the insides, and Alfred placing his hand on his chest made him all better.

“Mattie! Look at me! Oh shit”

Why was Alfred so scared? The pain was worst, he couldn’t breathe and his mouth tasted like blood and his vision was all blurry. Maybe he finally was going to rest, after the worst 7 months of his life, but he hadn’t told him Gilbert yet. No he couldn’t die, he couldn’t leave Gilbert.

Alfred hand was holding his

“I’m sorry, I probably broke something inside! Does it hurts?”

Nodded

“Too much?”

Nodded

“I’m sorry”

Alfred was crying, crying like a boy who broke his favorite toy

“Don’t leave me! I love you, I’m sorry! I’ll…I’ll call an ambulance!”

That was his last resort to be honest, he didn’t wanted to go to jail, he was too young, too pretty.

Matthew couldn’t hear nothing else

'I love you Gilbert…I’m so-sorry I ne-never told y-you…'

His world when black.

After a few minutes Alfred brought his attention to his brother again, only to found out his pulse was gone, and a new trail of blood was coming out of his mouth.

He broke down, his everything was gone.

He broke everything he could find, he hurt himself in the process, he made a mess, but his head spoke sense, the ambulance was coming, he needed to disappear, but no without his loved Matt.

Matt was so light, just like a feather, Alfred felt he could carry him forever without getting tired, the crimson that was decorating his face made him look paler, and the blond hair that fell down so graceful though the sides of his face made him look like a defeated angel.

Alfred didn’t knew where he was going, but soon he found a bridge.

He leaved Matt on the floor

“I love you, and I’m sorry, I wish we could have a happy ending in another life…or maybe a happy life don’t ya’ think? With a dad…” tears, more tears “A dog…A mom that gave us big hugs after school…a happy house…that will be nice” Trying to clean his face of tears and snot with his hoodie Alfred continued his speech “I’m sorry...I’m- I’m fucked up don’t you think?” A dead laugh escaped his lips, he kissed his brother for one last time “See you in another life Matt…I love you…”

He watched him for one last time, his face looked terrible for all the beating.

Alfred felt disgusting.

He jumped.

 

 

Matthew’s body was found a few hours later, his autopsy revealed he could have make it, he could have lived after blacking out, but the help arrived 3 hours later.

Alfred body was found the same day. The funeral was lonely. His father and mother came.

They were buried together.

Gilbert found out a week after, he locked himself in his room.

Matt dream made sense.

_“Ich werde dich vermissen, birdie, Ich werde dich vermissen eine Menge”_

**Author's Note:**

> Poor Gilbert. 
> 
> But maybe they will live again, just like Alfred says.
> 
> Have a good day and thank you reading.
> 
> Some translations:
> 
> -Du machst mich glücklich: You made me so happy  
> -Ich denke immer an dich: I always think about you  
> -Ich werde dich vermissen: I'll miss you  
> -Ich habe dich gerne: I love you, but more in like 'I care for you' way  
> -Ich liebe dich: I love you  
> -Ich werde dich vermissen eine Menge: I'll miss you a lot.


End file.
